I have been working on myself for the better part of eight months now, as this is the amount of time that I have gone without friendship. I have realized my short comings, my unapologetic and unaccountable actions. Before, things were never my fault. Why can’t she just understand where I’m coming from? Why is she arguing with me? These situations ended my friendships, and my hypersensitivity kept me angry.
I’m not one for brutal honesty or “tough love”. I can’t tolerate having someone else see my deepest flaws, and I would consistently blame them for exposing those flaws. I’m not one for trying to work things out, I would rather drop someone I’ve known for twelve years than to have to risk being hurt again.
And, now I’m here.
These eight months have taught me so much. I have been left with solely my own thoughts, and it’s pushed me damn well near insanity. I have realized that if I continue to be unforgiving, my life will be empty. If I can not handle being called out when I am wrong, that is an issue of my own. If I fail to communicate how hurt I get by someone only helping me to see where I may be at fault, then I could never expect them to know.
Today I reached out to my ex-best friend. Since our friendship ended, she posts a lot about self-care being letting go of toxic friendships, and how she has left people behind in attempt to better herself. I’m happy for her, and I hope that it’s working. Perhaps I should’ve never reached out.
Our boyfriend’s have the same birthday and we used to always celebrate before our falling out. They miss each other, and my boyfriend continues to talk about them all the time. I asked her today if she would be interested in surprising them with a fun day together, and told her that I have had time to become aware of my short comings and that I realized how much accountability on my end could have changed everything.
I was left without a response, and feel worse than before.
To anyone struggling with trust issues, who is fearful of getting hurt, who feels a bit too sensitive to become close with anyone…I am with you. We are not bad people who deserve the consequences. We are eligible for growth, we just have to be willing to dive deep into ourselves.
Maybe this is the closure that I didn’t know I’d be getting but needed. Maybe, I can be a better friend through this all.